Monday, February 13, 2012


 (ten·der, adj  \ˈten-dər\. Definitions include delicate, succulent, easily chewed)  But, first, let's back up a little. I have a hard time keeping up with all the changes in daily living. I don't listen to satellite radio or watch "30-Rock". I don't use "Blue Tooth", or have a Facebook account. I don't have a "4-wheeler" or a "Rolex" watch. And, I don't read "USA Today", even though the weather map is in color. So, it comes to no surprise when I eventually see something I didn't see coming.

For example, going to the supermarket makes me nervous. It can be overwhelming. There are hundreds of cereals, candies, juices, Gold Fish etc. But, Saturday, I saw a "new" supermarket item where I had to ask myself, why is this happening, where did this come from?

We now have a new variety of popcorn. We now have "Tender" popcorn; the type that is delicate and easily chewed. It hurts me to think that all these years I have been eating "un-tender" popcorn. How can that be? But, wait, now that I think about it, when I was a kid, we did have "tender" popcorn once ot twice. It was left overnight in an open bowl, and survived the dog. The texture was a little less "un-tender".

I would give anything to have been a fly-on-the-wall during the company meetings when the decision was made to market "Tender" as a variety.

The discussion could have gone like this:

CEO: "I hear we have a new variety of popcorn called "Tender". Do we see any increase in costs when we roll out?

Chief Marketing Officer (CMO): "No, only a slight increase in storage, our inventory hold-time will increase by one day, but this will be off-set by the new variety that will give us an immediate edge over the competition."

CEO: "What do you mean by "slight increase in storage"?

CMO: "The last station in production will be a new and patentable process called "Green Aire" whereby we just leave the popcorn exposed overnight before bagging. It then becomes more "tender" without any additional increase in costs. And, the sales are forecast to skyrocket!"

CEO: "Brilliant. Let's get a TV spot and tell the world about our new "Tender" popcorn. We can even sell "Green Aire" re-usable bags as an accessory.

For me, I just can't wait. At my next movie, I am going to ask the popcorn stand server for "Tender" Popcorn; with a few grains of salt, and 1.2 oz of butter, and of course served in the bag with a "Green Aire" logo. It will bring back memories of my days when the popcorn was left out, and survived the dog.

PS: (Maybe it didn't "survive" the dog, maybe that's why it was sooo "tender").


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Divorce Cake

(I think I've gone off my rocker...)

But I was thinking...

those companies in the Wedding Reception market are missing out on a serious business opportunity. Think about it, why not offer Divorce Parties, let's refer to them as Divorce Deceptions. At one time, we had a Wedding Reception, now, at this stage, only fitting to call it a Divorce Deception, don't you think? These could be a family and friend "affair" to honor the attempt, the "best shot", so to speak of trying to make a sacred tradition work.

Imagine the possibilities. There could be a Deception Line, you and your former could stand back-to-back, and grab and greet to your hearts' desire. You could also get some serious hugging in. Your lawyers could also be there, and remind you of your need to remain silent as the big questions linger, and the why's are whispered through out the mingle. If you desire, your religious representative (Pastor, Bishop, Priest, Imam, etc) could also be there, and may even preside over the proceedings. No need to leave them out at a time like this.

For entertainment, we could smash two Pintas, one for each. Inside could be a some of your "junk drawer" collection, bill receipts, or what's in the shoe box under your bed. Plus, for more fun, we could hear recordings of the yelling and screaming between the two of you, set to music. (It would probably sound familiar to everyone, it's all been heard before, believe me--sort of like a top-ten hit from the back of everyone's mind)

For refreshments, I see a little BitterRoot Tea, or Love Potion #9, and the cake, let's not forget the cake. Instead of one large sheet cake, it could be split down the middle, forming two smaller ones each with icing the color of Weeping Willow bark. Served while listening to the song "You've Made Me So Very Happy" by the group Blood, Sweat and Tears. Enjoy.